|
|
He'd make such a great secret if I could keep him
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
WELL, HELLO THERE.
Good ole Amanda just emailed me and was like hey, you should update your blog. So, I decided I would, since I feel like just venting anyway. Lots of stuff has been going on...most importantly- band. We have our first football game this Friday- its so crazy, I feel like I felt my freshman year when we were getting ready for our first game. Like, being drum major is way different from playing my trusty clarinet. Nonetheless, Im very excited. I know things will go great.
Other than band..wow I think I forgot I have a life outside of band..lol..actually Im pretty stressed out with pre calc right now, because..I have that class right after lunch..and Im alwayyyys tired right after lunch..and Ankos voice practically puts me to sleep..so Im not doin so hot right now..but Justin is going to tutor me, so hopefully Ill get the hang of things
gahh I have been sick lately..which is the last thing I need at the moment..I had some...weird..sickness which was basically really bad strep throat...although..the doctor really couldnt give me a name for it..lol..uh :/ willickers
but anyway, I feel like Im losing my voice..but for the past like 4 nights Ive felt like that..which, really just..isnt cool. I need it lol. GAH...jeepers. I havent heard that for sooo long :/
hm unfortunately something that is pretty much constantly on my mind is my boy situation. Really, anymore..there is no situation..so youre probably saying..well then you shouldnt have a problem if theres no situation..but thats exactly why I do have a problem. Probably the worst feeling in the world is getting close to someone, and really letting yourself lose boundaries..I guess is the way I would explain it..like..letting your guard down contrary to what your c oncious is telling you...and then getting hurt despite your best efforts..thats probably the worst. Like, I had been through a VERY mini version of this whole thing with the same person..a year ago...and I got hurt pretty bad...and I happily put myself into the same position..because I really love this fella..and I just got my heart broken. I mean I really havent said this to anyone, and I dont think I feel comfortable having a conversation about what Im about to say..but Im honestly in so much pain right now..I keep making myself focus on other things because I dont want to feel like this..but Ive never been so hurt in my entire life..this is hell for me. And Im so angry with him but at the same time I understand that the way things are now...theyre logical. The whole situation had it gone any farther wouldve been just one big complication...so I understand that he pushed me away, however...I think with my heart...I hate how corny I sound right now..oh well..anyway I think with my heart, so ultimately I dont care about the consequences that there would have been..because Im in love with him..and thats what matters the most...not..what could happen...and the problems there would be...
guh really this kills me. Ive never felt like..so sad....I have to fight with myself to not think about him, like..if I do...I feel depressed the rest of the day. I dont want this. God I just miss him so much. I want the summer back :/
guh..
I have to be up in 7 hours..so Im gonna take a shower and head to bed...
sorry for the randomness..im not crazy..i promise :[
|
|
|
